Monday, November 1, 2010
Monday, June 7, 2010
Beyond a Reasonable Doubt
I found
a bruise on my right hip today.
It lends its sea foam green
and plum purple
to my web of pale stretch marks, the
unwelcome evidence of age.
I’ve learned
to love these creases in my skin,
but what I really need is
for my body to reflect its witness of you and me.
I need the outline of your hand
on my right cheek,
your fingerprints on my neck
and collarbones,
a broken nose, two black eyes.
Sometimes I wish
that you painted a deep gash of velvet red on my thigh,
or left a cut under my left breast so that
little by little I could watch myself heal
without this immobilizing fear to forget.
I need more.
Than tangled sheets at noon,
your tie hanging on my bedroom door,
your name and number saved as contact in my phone.
I need to know I am not insane,
that this bed is where you used to lay,
these lips you used to kiss,
hand you held,
ribcage you strummed your fingers along like Mozart
on a harp.
I found a bruise on my right hip today,
pressed my thumb into it until it hurt,
because I need the truth of these past days
to be recorded
in an indelible mark.
a bruise on my right hip today.
It lends its sea foam green
and plum purple
to my web of pale stretch marks, the
unwelcome evidence of age.
I’ve learned
to love these creases in my skin,
but what I really need is
for my body to reflect its witness of you and me.
I need the outline of your hand
on my right cheek,
your fingerprints on my neck
and collarbones,
a broken nose, two black eyes.
Sometimes I wish
that you painted a deep gash of velvet red on my thigh,
or left a cut under my left breast so that
little by little I could watch myself heal
without this immobilizing fear to forget.
I need more.
Than tangled sheets at noon,
your tie hanging on my bedroom door,
your name and number saved as contact in my phone.
I need to know I am not insane,
that this bed is where you used to lay,
these lips you used to kiss,
hand you held,
ribcage you strummed your fingers along like Mozart
on a harp.
I found a bruise on my right hip today,
pressed my thumb into it until it hurt,
because I need the truth of these past days
to be recorded
in an indelible mark.
Friday, April 30, 2010
On the astral with a dead painter (feedback pls!)
I
A tourist falls on me
when the train jerks, literally,
across my lap--so sue me
for being a New Yorker
but I am hot today
and not amused.
I only forgive him
upon inspection
of his fine
philosopher's beard,
which I stare at the whole ride.
He'll have to accept that
as penance
for falling on me, something
I might have welcomed
on a different, frigid day.
II
The sound of coffee
percolating at 4am,
the sunrise in the kitchen.
I'm huddled in a blanket
on the floor, stoned,
but surrounded
by politics notes.
In the morning,
I'll discover
that there is no hot water,
I'll put on a t-shirt
and braid my hair,
I'll have slept
through my class. I'll spend
two hours pacing
the High Line, looking
for my friends
but never finding them.
There is a kind
of misfortune
that is amusing,
even reassuring,
about my life.
III
When I get home, my roommate
and her boyfriend
will be smoking
in the living room, listening
to Sublime. I'll have taken the train
from 23rd street, moved out
of the way for a man
with a box much bigger
than the car was wide,
watched a middle-aged man
with watering eyes, wondered
if he had a cold
or his wife had just left.
A girl my own age
with a child will look so tired
or so punk rock
she could be 50. I'll have considered
the soft frown
in the corners
of her mouth
while her child counts.
She'll stare back at me,
trying to gauge
our similarities
from behind my sunglasses.
IV
In the apartment, our
dead flower collection
catches ambient light,
the roses on the wall
hang upside down
on a nail, and fan out
like fire. I think if I came back
in five years, the kitchen
would still seem
like sunrise, like the mornings
I'd stand naked
over the sink with Frida Kahlo
reigning from our tapestry,
from the shrine where
she'd watch men
emerge from my doorway,
cupping their skins
so the neighbors
wouldn't see. She'd gaze back, alive,
from the sacrificial flowers
and burning bushes, with my blue fish
below her, from the basket of ashes
from Tepoztlán, from the brown
bananas and daisies waiting
to go into the collection.
She'd watch men scurry
to the bathroom, to piss
with the pride of young boys,
with their chests puffed out
and porous.
V
When the last embers fall,
I'll go to bed at daylight.
I will feel the heat
leaking in from tomorrow
and Frida will come down
from the wall again
in a lucid dream
and I'll let her. She'll show me
how dark
the brushstroke, the opening
of flowers, how to move
your eyes
and nothing else,
she'll hold
a dead rose
between her knees
and it will open.
A tourist falls on me
when the train jerks, literally,
across my lap--so sue me
for being a New Yorker
but I am hot today
and not amused.
I only forgive him
upon inspection
of his fine
philosopher's beard,
which I stare at the whole ride.
He'll have to accept that
as penance
for falling on me, something
I might have welcomed
on a different, frigid day.
II
The sound of coffee
percolating at 4am,
the sunrise in the kitchen.
I'm huddled in a blanket
on the floor, stoned,
but surrounded
by politics notes.
In the morning,
I'll discover
that there is no hot water,
I'll put on a t-shirt
and braid my hair,
I'll have slept
through my class. I'll spend
two hours pacing
the High Line, looking
for my friends
but never finding them.
There is a kind
of misfortune
that is amusing,
even reassuring,
about my life.
III
When I get home, my roommate
and her boyfriend
will be smoking
in the living room, listening
to Sublime. I'll have taken the train
from 23rd street, moved out
of the way for a man
with a box much bigger
than the car was wide,
watched a middle-aged man
with watering eyes, wondered
if he had a cold
or his wife had just left.
A girl my own age
with a child will look so tired
or so punk rock
she could be 50. I'll have considered
the soft frown
in the corners
of her mouth
while her child counts.
She'll stare back at me,
trying to gauge
our similarities
from behind my sunglasses.
IV
In the apartment, our
dead flower collection
catches ambient light,
the roses on the wall
hang upside down
on a nail, and fan out
like fire. I think if I came back
in five years, the kitchen
would still seem
like sunrise, like the mornings
I'd stand naked
over the sink with Frida Kahlo
reigning from our tapestry,
from the shrine where
she'd watch men
emerge from my doorway,
cupping their skins
so the neighbors
wouldn't see. She'd gaze back, alive,
from the sacrificial flowers
and burning bushes, with my blue fish
below her, from the basket of ashes
from Tepoztlán, from the brown
bananas and daisies waiting
to go into the collection.
She'd watch men scurry
to the bathroom, to piss
with the pride of young boys,
with their chests puffed out
and porous.
V
When the last embers fall,
I'll go to bed at daylight.
I will feel the heat
leaking in from tomorrow
and Frida will come down
from the wall again
in a lucid dream
and I'll let her. She'll show me
how dark
the brushstroke, the opening
of flowers, how to move
your eyes
and nothing else,
she'll hold
a dead rose
between her knees
and it will open.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Said I Was Pure Gold
He blew his whistle for a half-hour
break, but made me stay. Said I
was his star athlete. Said I
was his mixed-race mermaid. Said
small waist, wide hips, bridged
nose, and skin the color of first place
gold. I swelled, pushed off strong against
blue tiles. He timed my movements to the millisecond. Held
me down till I mastered my breath. held
me till my ribs came together like
a closed up shell, sealed
off from the touch and tread of him. Held
me in more ways
than one, so that by
the end of month three I
watched bubbles surface one
by two by fifty until someone
pulled me up and my lips matched
the sky's pale blue. I swam on the
line to exhaustion, to propel mind
away from my own body. Arms held
high into a swan's dive, legs
pressed firm on board. Heard him blow
his hard whistle, said I
was pure like sun kissed gold
I drowned
before he finished.
*feedback por favor!
break, but made me stay. Said I
was his star athlete. Said I
was his mixed-race mermaid. Said
small waist, wide hips, bridged
nose, and skin the color of first place
gold. I swelled, pushed off strong against
blue tiles. He timed my movements to the millisecond. Held
me down till I mastered my breath. held
me till my ribs came together like
a closed up shell, sealed
off from the touch and tread of him. Held
me in more ways
than one, so that by
the end of month three I
watched bubbles surface one
by two by fifty until someone
pulled me up and my lips matched
the sky's pale blue. I swam on the
line to exhaustion, to propel mind
away from my own body. Arms held
high into a swan's dive, legs
pressed firm on board. Heard him blow
his hard whistle, said I
was pure like sun kissed gold
I drowned
before he finished.
*feedback por favor!
Hip Hop, R U There???
I-95 ripped thru the South Bronx, leavin it lifeless
For gangs n dealers to prey upon the crisis
Those vultures had the righteous left wit tight lips
Handin kids gats or crack like, "yo, ignite this"
People lookin for a light, at the end of the alley,
But it just comes from a gun, or crackhead rally
Tho when everybody had already given their hopes up
Like, fuck life, ready to put ropes up
From the rubble rose a phoenix a glorious art form
Now know as Hip Hop, to keep hearts warm
Trash can souls transformed into firepits
Flowers sprouted outa concrete environments
Gang alliances broken down by Bambataa
If u don’t know who that is u aint Hip Hop partna
The divided were united for all to bear witness
A liberating force, then along came big business
What happened to Hip Hop-- our saving grace?
Heard rumors shes in a tomb with her name engraved,
I wouldn’t be surprised, the way this games been played
Last I saw she was in an office another dame enslaved,
Restrained by iced out chains she wonders how,
These rappers are allowed to pillage and plunder crowds
But im comin for u hunny like a rollin thunder cloud,
Let my call to arms ring throughout the underground...
So here come the corporations to rape ya ass,
Steal whats yours, n create a tax
That got u paying with ya soul jus to take it back
N even then u aint spittin for the sake of rap,
Rhyming about what they tell u will sell the most,
Gota be rich or go to jail to boast
So u try on their ideals like a new outfit
Lost in the money, u don’t know nothing about shit
If it was just u fine, but now u a role model
Acting hard cuz u smoke and swallow the whole bottle
Misleading the people, getting em to follow lies
Like u did, deceived by ya labels hollow eyes
They manipulated u into making urself a monster
Ya just like George Bush--reading off a teleprompter
Like Goodfella mobsters, got ya ass on lock
Just cuz u wanted to piss, n they passed a pot
What happened to Hip Hop-- our saving grace?
Heard rumors shes in a tomb with her name engraved,
I wouldn’t be surprised, the way this games been played
Last I saw she was in an office another dame enslaved,
Restrained by iced out chains she wonders how,
These rappers are allowed to pillage and plunder crowds
But im comin for u hunny like a rollin thunder cloud,
Let my call to arms ring throughout the underground...
She craves the independent, a few enraged Rambos
That’ll massacre these phony, new age Sambos
Hip Hop was treadin water, amidst greedy stars
Then drowned in the mainstream in need of CPR,
I’ll blow the breath in her lungs if u provide the beats
Over her heart, hard enough to divide the streets
Cuz this smothering monotony’s weighin down on top of me,
Glamour n gangsta rap’s got a monopoly,
Radio has made a mockery of democracy,
N im here to expose their fucking hypocrisy,
Ya cant cop a plea--no bailout for big businesses
That swing bling in our faces like, hypnotists
Mesmorize us so we can be easily brainwashed
Hip Hop’s tired of being embodied, by the same props
On a set path, but this is where the train stops,
Lets find our own way, don’t be afraid of the rain drops
What happened to Hip Hop-- our saving grace?
Heard rumors shes in a tomb with her name engraved,
I wouldn’t be surprised, the way this games been played
Last I saw she was in an office another dame enslaved,
Restrained by iced out chains she wonders how,
These rappers are allowed to pillage and plunder crowds
But im comin for u hunny like a rollin thunder cloud,
Let my call to arms ring throughout the underground...
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Day 18, Poem 18: 30/30 Breakdown (lol)
This shit caught me off guard
Thirty poems in thirty days
Shit wasn't supposed to be this hard
Schoolwork and phone calls
Ruminations necessary
Film project stalls
This wasn't supposed to be
so frustratingly hairy
Still poems swim free
But don't jump on the page
the way I need them to
This mission fails in two more days...
Ugh
Ugh
Ugh
Ugh
This shit caught me off guard
Thirty poems in thirty days
Shit wasn't supposed to be this hard
Schoolwork and phone calls
Ruminations necessary
Film project stalls
This wasn't supposed to be
so frustratingly hairy
Still poems swim free
But don't jump on the page
the way I need them to
This mission fails in two more days...
Ugh
Ugh
Ugh
Ugh
Climbing
It's stifling.
Rifling through sheets
My prison grip on her wrists
and give a twist.
I hover
and hit
and hover
and hit
and dive down dog
like a yoga pose,
boiling muscles
and a twitch.
Another flip of the switch.
Face pushed across.
I am boa,
snake and constrictor.
Vampire bat and
I bit her.
Toes twist twelve ways,
like larvae
emerging from dirt.
A hug so hard
it hurts so good
as nail draws
red across a shoulder
blade. Sharpened tip.
Lip and
ears and lips with
tongues and teeth on
smears of tongues and
licks and smacks of spit.
meager words stripped
from heaving breath
hot and huffed by...
Everything
constrictor and
released and
back again.
Then rigid like
a rubber band puled
tight. Strum it
and a rippling, no, like,
ten seizures to
the fevered pace of
an outstretched face
open mouth
and then at peace.
rigidity and
release.
Now ceased.
Fall through, blood full
and boisterous.
Nerves, firing squad going
"Rat Tat...Rat Tat!" and
busting cotton caps
from way down deep
toward the middle.
Spread like an extacy pill.
Lid off the pot.
No thought.
I lay to rot.
Nothing to do but to die today.
Rifling through sheets
My prison grip on her wrists
and give a twist.
I hover
and hit
and hover
and hit
and dive down dog
like a yoga pose,
boiling muscles
and a twitch.
Another flip of the switch.
Face pushed across.
I am boa,
snake and constrictor.
Vampire bat and
I bit her.
Toes twist twelve ways,
like larvae
emerging from dirt.
A hug so hard
it hurts so good
as nail draws
red across a shoulder
blade. Sharpened tip.
Lip and
ears and lips with
tongues and teeth on
smears of tongues and
licks and smacks of spit.
meager words stripped
from heaving breath
hot and huffed by...
Everything
constrictor and
released and
back again.
Then rigid like
a rubber band puled
tight. Strum it
and a rippling, no, like,
ten seizures to
the fevered pace of
an outstretched face
open mouth
and then at peace.
rigidity and
release.
Now ceased.
Fall through, blood full
and boisterous.
Nerves, firing squad going
"Rat Tat...Rat Tat!" and
busting cotton caps
from way down deep
toward the middle.
Spread like an extacy pill.
Lid off the pot.
No thought.
I lay to rot.
Nothing to do but to die today.
Day 17, Poem 17: Stuck in the parking lot
Push against me
gentle yet firm
confident
nudging laughter from me
like rainwater
from the treetops
expecting
it showers on you
begrudgingly
This is how you get me
Unrelenting
smiling in this
stormy weather
even though I know
that I should know better
random letters
strategic phone calls
through space
traffic signals
and car horns
blare warnings I
don't fear
I'm walking here
Push against me
gentle yet firm
confident
nudging laughter from me
like rainwater
from the treetops
expecting
it showers on you
begrudgingly
This is how you get me
Unrelenting
smiling in this
stormy weather
even though I know
that I should know better
random letters
strategic phone calls
through space
traffic signals
and car horns
blare warnings I
don't fear
I'm walking here
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Dusted Snow Angels
A dusted don/ a dusted angel
with some rusted arms
that I've been cutting on
from dusk to dawn like nothing's wrong.
Puffing palms in this cold world's
snow swirl--
hoes hurl after the globe's pearl
made their toes curl...
Impregnate them with hurt
so they revert to the dirt.
Why's pleasure so painful?
Lost in this desert of dessert--
where beauty drives you berserk
under the sky's wristwatch.
Shit, wish I could split
its lip-lock with Hitchcock.
Coolly calculated cutey
sipping a Diet Pepsi.
Heart palpitated cruelty,
down n' out, she side-stepped me.
Why she left me? I don't know,
maybe 'cause I liked coke instead...
Stayed smoking cess while stroking stress
with a broken head.
Dead already, somebody bury me
n' get it over with.
Said she was ready so I popped
her cherry tree with a loaded clip,
where the posh dwell. She was
more dusted than the top shelf,
but I delved into that inverted
volcano to clog Hell.
Couldn't stop it, she dropped spells--
look what the witch doc did.
Nothing but a power hungry whore,
craving the cockpit.
Heart of Black Ice
I'll write dark shit as long as
there's black ink in my pen--
but it's time to pick myself up--
rethink n' begin.
Again... Damn man,
a phoenix in my own right.
Swimming in the flames,
the love to be alone type,
'cause of fake friends like,
"Cop a vile, here's
sickness in a sack
to stop the wild fears!"
Right-hand man playing doctor
while he jeers...
Bitch, I hope you drown
in your crocodile tears!
Put the rock in rock a smile,
stretch scaly snake skin.
Crush n' light it up--
inhaling my daily patron.
Searching for serenity
my soul summons sounds,
to defend the whole in it
from the rain running down.
Grudges drum with my ribs-
ain't my heart that pumps n' pounds-
'cause what goes around
never seems to come around...
Take my pain n' dumb it down,
in hopes you understand,
their answers won't do nothing
but escort you to Wonderland...
Haunting memories
creep on like centipedes.
Men are beasts, when the wind blows
catch the scent of enemies.
My life's centerpiece?
The stress my pen released...
Remember me?
Heart of black ice like December streets.
Speak to the beat 'cause I got
no one else to talk with--
caught conversing with myself
just another distraught kid.
Shit, you got me acting
like I own a Bluetooth--
looking crazy on the block,
to play the part I cop a new suit.
Struck instrumental strings
sing in the silence.
The only thing that stands
behind me are these violins.
Sigh through the violence--
it ain't nothing new,
find pleasure in pain
love sirens coming through.
Hop on that ambulatory
bandwagon,
'cause life's a beach
n' I tried to slay the sand dragon.
Caught up, chance lacking,
but armed with Excalibur--
removed the sword from the stone
they sold me in algebra.
Next challenger,
tossed aside like a rag doll--
mad small in the scheme--
in need of pads ya'll.
Chilling with my man
I ain't seen since last fall--
rehash trash stashed,
hear the past call...
Haunting memories
creep on like centipedes.
Men are beasts, when the wind blows
catch the scent of enemies.
My life's centerpiece?
The stress my pen released...
Remember me?
Heart of black ice like December streets.
Ensoulment or the Omaha Pebble Society
We landed on the sun
and realized we were
actually built on butter.
The problem wasn't our
uneven coloring but
we kept melting
and losing collagen
to the big boy.
Plastic surgeons
are innovative but
come on lemonade
is a far aisle
from those fancy,
refined carbs.
We landed on the moon
and it felt like a soccer cleat.
We would just be
quickening to the moon's entombment.
Reminded of tubes
that feed jelly,
too primordial and
too futuristic,
pediatrics and geriatrics,
all using the same entrance.
We landed on the sea.
It was the first time
reflections mattered.
I got so into my eyes
looking blue
I nearly drowned.
Then I sucked up
the salt and I couldn't
tell the blue sea from red capillaries.
The rock landed on us.
It leavened, hardened,
and we divided.
The First Supper
or maybe the last.
I skip my pebble,
all flat nosed,
smooth skin,
and remember evaporation.
You'll spend your
whole life
trying to evaporate.
Stay in sweat lodges
until feathers bend.
Run marathons
before central air.
Maybe if we drip
enough salt
we'll be sucked into
the rock.
It's inconvenient,
really, we find a home
and we find transformation.
and realized we were
actually built on butter.
The problem wasn't our
uneven coloring but
we kept melting
and losing collagen
to the big boy.
Plastic surgeons
are innovative but
come on lemonade
is a far aisle
from those fancy,
refined carbs.
We landed on the moon
and it felt like a soccer cleat.
We would just be
quickening to the moon's entombment.
Reminded of tubes
that feed jelly,
too primordial and
too futuristic,
pediatrics and geriatrics,
all using the same entrance.
We landed on the sea.
It was the first time
reflections mattered.
I got so into my eyes
looking blue
I nearly drowned.
Then I sucked up
the salt and I couldn't
tell the blue sea from red capillaries.
The rock landed on us.
It leavened, hardened,
and we divided.
The First Supper
or maybe the last.
I skip my pebble,
all flat nosed,
smooth skin,
and remember evaporation.
You'll spend your
whole life
trying to evaporate.
Stay in sweat lodges
until feathers bend.
Run marathons
before central air.
Maybe if we drip
enough salt
we'll be sucked into
the rock.
It's inconvenient,
really, we find a home
and we find transformation.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Scarification
He's dressed just like his father:
A Yankees fitted cocked
slightly to the side. A hoodie
two sizes too big unzipped.
Sneakers that probably cost
twice the price of my vans
even though they could fit inside.
His big eyes of ripe citrus
look up out of a stroller
at me and wonder with
fear and awe who in God's image I am.
His jaw is on a hinge and suddenly
the Nintendo DS has become obsolete.
To stare back at him from above my book
could mean a multitude of things:
Tears
A smile
A bashful turn or
Irreverent words hurled like
a squeaky bike tire
and fingers pointed.
To this day I can remember
some of these moments from
my own irreverence.
I wonder if my counterparts in these
childhood observances can still
remember, as vividly as I can,
the time when my mother first told me
how to say "No, thank you"
instead of just "No"
Or how mortified I was when I hugged
my mom's friend's leg instead of hers
because my face was three feet below
or that when they hit their own child
with an open palm that I
felt that slap on my face and
it was me who cried though.
I wonder if the other little kids
I knew when I was little
still remember the day in pre-school
when I brought my father's knife
to show off or
if they remember when my teeth sunk
into Collin's back because
I had tripped and fallen
or his blood stained shirt
or my blood stained mouth.
Or if my third grade classmates remember me
being on crutches for three months
because of a tumor in my leg
and the resulting surgery.
How I had to hop up stairs on one foot
How ashamed I was if I fell.
I wonder if it struck them as hard
as it struck me.
I wonder if I ever flipped this on
it's head and scared the shit
out of some grown-up when i was small.
Drove them to tears, made them
turn away embarrassed.
But probably not because
I was different then.
I didn't have this scar on my lip
from when I fell on dad's toolbox
or the one on my arm from when
my brother hit me with a paint roller
and had to watch five stitches be
woven into my arm
in a sterile hospital room
on Christmas day.
I wonder what he thought to watch his
fourth grade brother be held down by his
father; he was in sixth grade.
Talk about scars.
I probably didn't scare anybody because
I didn't have this want-to-be
beard of peach fuzz on my face
I didn't have the anxiety I do now
I didn't have the consciousness or the
cunning or the twisted mind I do now.
I didn't have the friends I do now
or the fantasies or the lies or desires I do now.
These have molded and added to
and chipped away at me like
some kind of fleshy Jackson Pollack now.
I'm a boogie man now,
a specter, a goblin now
haunted by his actions and
haunting the lives of those he sees now.
I held open a door today for an old couple
even though I was in a rush
but I'm sure they don't know
that it was a demon who held it for them.
But I wonder if they did
because they've been there
and that's why their eyes
looked like raisins instead of grapes.
A Yankees fitted cocked
slightly to the side. A hoodie
two sizes too big unzipped.
Sneakers that probably cost
twice the price of my vans
even though they could fit inside.
His big eyes of ripe citrus
look up out of a stroller
at me and wonder with
fear and awe who in God's image I am.
His jaw is on a hinge and suddenly
the Nintendo DS has become obsolete.
To stare back at him from above my book
could mean a multitude of things:
Tears
A smile
A bashful turn or
Irreverent words hurled like
a squeaky bike tire
and fingers pointed.
To this day I can remember
some of these moments from
my own irreverence.
I wonder if my counterparts in these
childhood observances can still
remember, as vividly as I can,
the time when my mother first told me
how to say "No, thank you"
instead of just "No"
Or how mortified I was when I hugged
my mom's friend's leg instead of hers
because my face was three feet below
or that when they hit their own child
with an open palm that I
felt that slap on my face and
it was me who cried though.
I wonder if the other little kids
I knew when I was little
still remember the day in pre-school
when I brought my father's knife
to show off or
if they remember when my teeth sunk
into Collin's back because
I had tripped and fallen
or his blood stained shirt
or my blood stained mouth.
Or if my third grade classmates remember me
being on crutches for three months
because of a tumor in my leg
and the resulting surgery.
How I had to hop up stairs on one foot
How ashamed I was if I fell.
I wonder if it struck them as hard
as it struck me.
I wonder if I ever flipped this on
it's head and scared the shit
out of some grown-up when i was small.
Drove them to tears, made them
turn away embarrassed.
But probably not because
I was different then.
I didn't have this scar on my lip
from when I fell on dad's toolbox
or the one on my arm from when
my brother hit me with a paint roller
and had to watch five stitches be
woven into my arm
in a sterile hospital room
on Christmas day.
I wonder what he thought to watch his
fourth grade brother be held down by his
father; he was in sixth grade.
Talk about scars.
I probably didn't scare anybody because
I didn't have this want-to-be
beard of peach fuzz on my face
I didn't have the anxiety I do now
I didn't have the consciousness or the
cunning or the twisted mind I do now.
I didn't have the friends I do now
or the fantasies or the lies or desires I do now.
These have molded and added to
and chipped away at me like
some kind of fleshy Jackson Pollack now.
I'm a boogie man now,
a specter, a goblin now
haunted by his actions and
haunting the lives of those he sees now.
I held open a door today for an old couple
even though I was in a rush
but I'm sure they don't know
that it was a demon who held it for them.
But I wonder if they did
because they've been there
and that's why their eyes
looked like raisins instead of grapes.
88th street, between Columbus and Central Park West
On 88th street, the ginko trees
glow green, illuminating,
they seem somehow to be lightbulbs
that cast impossible, midday shadows
against every stoic brownstone;
a bulldog sniffs my feet
and the man on his leash says,
come on, come on,
and in a second the thing
comes back from behind me
so excited I want to haul up
a big bundle of sticks on the curb
at our feet, we're both eyeing them,
and throw them into the air
like batons, want the whole block
to run from their houses shrieking,
mouths open wide, clamoring over each other
to collect the splendor of spring,
to clean their teeth on its branches,
to run circles around each other yipping,
to roll in the streets, bounding naked
and muddy! A happy golden retriever
trots by, then, a big braided
treat in its mouth, hurrying to the park,
and stops at the corner--a New York City
dog with a concept of traffic--and his owner
comes up laughing, an old lady
wearing appliqués, wow! what a smart dog,
I say, the ginko trees glittering back
from her eyes, she's a rescue! she says,
an explanation that makes much sense
to me, what with all the spring salvation,
and I'm still standing here by the sticks
alone and again I have the urge
to fling the twigs, sticks bouncing and bumping
the cars, want their owners to come out
of their beautiful, expensive homes
and race me towards the branches,
stuff them in their yapping mouths, hungry,
all of us running towards the park,
not bothering to stop at corners.
glow green, illuminating,
they seem somehow to be lightbulbs
that cast impossible, midday shadows
against every stoic brownstone;
a bulldog sniffs my feet
and the man on his leash says,
come on, come on,
and in a second the thing
comes back from behind me
so excited I want to haul up
a big bundle of sticks on the curb
at our feet, we're both eyeing them,
and throw them into the air
like batons, want the whole block
to run from their houses shrieking,
mouths open wide, clamoring over each other
to collect the splendor of spring,
to clean their teeth on its branches,
to run circles around each other yipping,
to roll in the streets, bounding naked
and muddy! A happy golden retriever
trots by, then, a big braided
treat in its mouth, hurrying to the park,
and stops at the corner--a New York City
dog with a concept of traffic--and his owner
comes up laughing, an old lady
wearing appliqués, wow! what a smart dog,
I say, the ginko trees glittering back
from her eyes, she's a rescue! she says,
an explanation that makes much sense
to me, what with all the spring salvation,
and I'm still standing here by the sticks
alone and again I have the urge
to fling the twigs, sticks bouncing and bumping
the cars, want their owners to come out
of their beautiful, expensive homes
and race me towards the branches,
stuff them in their yapping mouths, hungry,
all of us running towards the park,
not bothering to stop at corners.
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